So, we did this today...

That's an adoption application.  

I wish you could see the grin on my face as I just typed those words.

We've been talking about adoption for months now, but I'm sure people doubted that we would actually go through with it.  I doubted, at times, that we would actually go through with it.  Yet, the paperwork is finished and ready to be mailed to the agency tomorrow.  

None of this felt real until we sat down today and worked through the questions together.  It's like the first time I went to Peru.  I had raised support to go, gotten my passport, and bought my plane ticket, but I don't think it occurred to me that I was leaving the country for the first time ever until I was sitting on the plane.  It's also like when we got married.  We had been talking about and planning the wedding for a year, yet it didn't click that the guy at the end of the aisle was, indeed, going to be my husband- until I was on my daddy's arm and the doors of the chapel flew open so that I was looking at Andrew.  In both of those situations, I was simultaneously overjoyed and terrified, and I find myself there again today.  Overjoyed because I'm going to be a mom.  And terrified because, well, I'm going to be a mom.

Our journey toward becoming parents will probably look much different than most people's.  While our friends are having gender reveal parties for their babies, we'll be creating a scrapbook and praying that a birth mom chooses us.  As moms-to-be sit through childbirth classes, we'll be at adoption seminars.  When other families are going to doctor visits, we will be having our home study done.  I used to resent that our road would be different, and it is still hard to accept sometimes.  But, different just means different- not better and not worse.  The end result is the same, anyway.  

Let's be real for a second and get back to that part about me being terrified.  I have no idea where we will get the money for all of this.  Do you know that adopting from an agency costs $15,000-$20,000?  Oh my.  I'm a teacher, and Andrew wants to go into ministry.  Here's a shocker- we're not wealthy!  We'll take out a loan, apply for grants, be creative, and work hard, but still... that is a lot of money.  

I'm also afraid of the questions that people will ask.  "Where did you get that baby?" or, "Are you ever going to have your own children?", as if our child is on loan from the public library.

My parents worry that an adopted child of ours might exhibit some unfortunate tendencies of his birth parents, consequently making our lives difficult.  I'm not worried about that one.  Honestly, if we ever have a biological child and she ends up anything like me, she will be a hot mess.

Mostly, I am terrified that an adoption might fall through.  Maybe the birth mom will change her mind.  Maybe we'll get attached and then the dad won't come to sign his paperwork.  Maybe we won't get picked at all.  I can't think about those things happening right now.

In short, 2013 already looks like it will be full of all kinds of unknowns.  A couple of years ago, I would have been panicking about that.  But, I've learned that the unknowns always have a way of working themselves out in the end, and that my worrying is only going to make me miserable.  I can't believe I am saying this, but I am really at peace, even with our lives completely up in the air in so many ways.

We saw Les Miserables last night, and I bawled my eyes out, like everyone else.  (Go see it.)  There is one scene in particular that struck me.  It is when Jean Valjean has found Cosette and carries her on his shoulder, away from the innkeepers, promising to forever "be a mother and a father to her."  The years pass in a matter of seconds in the movie, and as Valjean continues to carry Cosette through life, he says something about how he has found love like he has never known before.  Because he adopted her.

Maybe 2013 will be the year that we get to experience the love of being parents.  There are not enough words to express my excitement, and there is not enough room in my heart to contain my joy.  

Friends, this is big.