On days like today, I am ready to just throw in the towel with special ed. (*Please don't stop reading here.*) The two things I heard the most from people before entering this profession were, "What a rewarding career!" and "Oh, you must be a very patient person." I know the latter statement is not true, and days like today also make me think the former is not, either. Because when you spend a good chunk of your day just trying to keep kids from running out of your classroom and from shouting profanities down the hallway (those were coming from a six-year-old, mind you), you can't help but think that what you do isn't important, and that these are not the kind of rewards you anticipated when you signed your contract.
I do not think that this year of teaching autism has been a mistake. Oh, it's been hard. In fact, I've been downright miserable for much of it. But I don't think God makes mistakes when He brings you to certain places in life. If I have learned anything from this year, about teaching or life in general, it is this: None of it is about me.
Knowing that changes everything. Although I find myself often frustrated at work, I can remember that life is not supposed to be easy. God is always in the business of making us more like Himself, and His means of doing that is often through challenging times. I went into teaching with the thought that I could change children's lives and by so doing, I would feel happy and satisfied. I should have never tried to make this job about how I would feel. The point is that this is the work God has laid out for me for now, and it's all for Him.
I also have to remind myself that although I am not always teaching concepts as I had hoped and am instead doing a lot of "zookeeping" (because my classroom often feels this wild), my work is important. Some kids never receive "tough love" at home and really do need someone to teach them that there are consequences for yelling profanities down the hallway. They need someone to teach them that they cannot always get what they want. They need someone to love them like Jesus loves me- He disciplines because He cares and has my best interest in mind. I rarely do a good job of reflecting this love, but it is nonetheless the huge task that God has set before me daily, and for that reason alone, teaching special ed this year has not been a waste.
I often think that I have learned patience well enough. I find myself in situations in which I am forced to wait on something, I wait (not very patiently), and by the end of that situation, I am convinced that I am a more patient person and no longer in need of lessons on patience. Ha. Boy, do I have so much more to learn!
My patience ran out today. I hate those days. I hate to end the school day just crying at my desk because I feel like I cannot do it anymore. The good thing about days like today, though, is that they bring me to the end of myself and I once again realize that none of this is about me. Thankfully, God says, "I am not finished with you yet."
