I've kept a journal ever since I can remember. In elementary school, I called it my "diary." I have no idea what I wrote in it, but evidently, the thoughts were so secret that I thought I needed to keep it in the pink lock box in my room. I kept up this process through middle school and high school, when I started calling my writing a "journal" instead of a "diary," because only nerds kept diaries. I wrote more than ever in college and even into our first year of marriage. Then, I started a blog, and two-and-a-half years ago, I stopped journaling entirely.
Writing has always been therapeutic for me, and for awhile, I thought that blogging was sufficient for that. What I've come to realize is that, even though I often write about things that other people have left untouched, I haven't been truly honest in my shocking "honesty." I've been honest as far as it makes me sound like a good person or good writer, but there have been times that I've been mid-sentence and deleted an entire paragraph because "that part is too awful for people to read." My blogging became more about getting responses than sharing the deepest parts of my heart.
I thought about deleting my blog altogether, but I do think that our adoption story is one that should be read over and over again. I need to read it over and over again. I need to remember the wonder that comes with being part of this story that is actually my life.
Currently, we are dealing with a lot at home, things that I thought I would never face in our marriage. So, instead of processing out loud for the world to read but stopping at the ugly places in my heart that actually need to be explored, I am pulling out my journal for the first time in over 2.5 years and just writing without edits. Maybe one day, I'll be ready to write for the world again. Maybe that will take two months or two years. Maybe I'll never blog again. But for today, I'm closing my laptop and going to sit in the stadium at OU with the same tools that people have used for thousands of years: a good, old-fashioned leather notebook and a pen.
Thanks for reading.
