Thoughts on Peru

In a little over a week, we will be in Peru. This will be my fourth time to go and normally, I would be jump-out-of-my-skin excited at this point in time. Normally.

I wouldn't say I am dreading the trip, but I can think of about 20 other things I would rather be doing on my Spring Break this year. I'll explain.

The logistics of planning a trip for eight people to another country have been somewhat crazy at times. I have always sort of taken pride in my organizational skills, but the tediousness of planning this thing has worn me out (and humbled me!). Thankfully, the logistics part of this adventure is almost over, and we will(hopefully!) all be where we need to be in a few days. Also, through many events over the past couple of months, I have been able to see how God has made provisions for us despite my forgetfulness and imperfections. We got a great deal on plane tickets, and fundraising efforts have been generally successful. These are things that I never could have pulled off on my own.

During this process, I have been highly concerned about two things in regards to the other people going: I want everyone to enjoy the trip, and I don't want people to be stressed out about raising their money. Ironically, these are two things that I cannot control really at all. Just within the past couple of days, I have been able to let go of those worries (more or less), which has made me feel better about the trip than I have in weeks.

The main reason I am hesitant about going to Peru this time around is that I am supposed to be going to tell people about Christ, and I am honestly unsure what I believe to be true about him at the moment. This was not the case six months ago. I did not know it was possible for someone (me in particular) to have as much anger and doubt as I have experienced lately. Sometimes it scares me.

I don't have the option of not going on the trip, so I'll leave soon, whether I am ready or not. I don't think that a week in another country will completely turn things around for me, but I am hoping it will give me some perspective, and that maybe some of the anger will subside as I am reminded of how blessed I am in comparison to others. Every other time I have been to Peru I have seemingly "had it all together". (I don't, by the way.). I'm hoping that honesty will be a good thing, because I think everyone struggles and doubts from time to time. Most people just don't talk about it. And when I think about the people who I want to be around, it is almost never the ones who seem perfect.

So, here's to honesty and to being real. And to hoping that somehow, I can still be useful in my weakness.