"If you need a little excitement in your life, just decide to adopt. I promise you'll never be bored."
That has been my story over the past few weeks. I've experienced just about every emotion under the sun, but boredom certainly hasn't been one of them.
The most consistent emotions have been anticipation and happiness. I've been praying to be a mom for well over two years, and it's finally going to happen. Having friends and family who are enthusiastic has made me look forward to this occasion even more.
Another consistent emotion has been love. There was a point in time, about a week ago, when I was fairly convinced that the adoption was going to disrupt. Birth Mom was supposed to meet with our case worker, and she didn't show up. Our case worker couldn't get in contact with her for days. I felt sick. (Thankfully, everything is fine.) In those unsettling few days, I realized for the first time how much I already love our child.
I've also been scared. Birth Mom can still change her mind. Yikes.
I've felt selfish. I don't like giving up my sleep for any reason, and I will miss being able to basically do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. The days of being "young and wild and free" will soon be over. Small prices to pay for a new family member, I know.
Every day, I am heartbroken for Birth Mom. Her life story is tragic, and I don't think she has even gone through the worst of it yet. I think about her as she is going to her doctor's appointments, feeling our baby kick inside her stomach, and working all kinds of crazy hours. I think about her achy back and swelling feet, and I cry because I can't imagine enduring all of that to not only make her baby's life better, but ours, too. I've never prayed for a single person so much in my life.
I've felt guilty. We get to be in the delivery room when Baby is born. I was initially overjoyed when we found out about this, but I immediately started thinking about the implications of it. While Birth Mom experiences the most excruciating pain of her life in labor and then does the hardest thing she will ever have to do by handing Baby over to us, I'll be in zero pain, looking into the eyes of the greatest blessing we could possibly receive. When I told a friend that I would probably feel a huge wave of guilt as I hold our baby for the first time, she just said, "Then don't. Guilt is a waste of your time. You haven't done anything wrong." Those were some of the most helpful words I have heard in awhile.
I've felt sad. As overjoyed as I am to get to bring home this child, a big part of me still hopes that we will be able to have biological children one day. Last week, we got back the final results from a surgery that took place a year ago. (The doctor told us that re-testing a year after the operation would yield the most realistic view of our future. If you're wondering about this part of our story, just private message me. I don't mind talking about it- just not on the blog.) Nothing has changed; our chances of conceiving naturally are still slim to none. I burst into tears when the nurse called. And then I immediately felt guilty again for being upset. (Gotta remember that thing about guilt being a waste of time!). Here's the thing: The sadness doesn't at all take away from my joy in getting to bring home a baby soon. But the Facebook pregnancy announcements and biological baby showers will probably always poke at my heart, at least just a little. It's no one's fault; that's just how it is. I think that the desire to reproduce is inherent in almost every woman, so I am sure that while I'll be the happiest adoptive momma and all of our children will be loved equally, a sense of loss will always be present.
In the midst of all of these emotions, though, I have felt an overwhelming sense of peace. If you know me at all, you know that I stress out about, well, mostly everything. But I'm not stressing out about this. On my wedding day, I was the calmest I have ever been in my life. I knew that everything else could go wrong, and I would still be married at the end of the day. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that spending forever with him was the right thing. Today I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this adoption is absolutely the right thing. "It is well with my soul."
It is at about this time in a woman's pregnancy when she starts posting "baby bump" pictures. This is how a baby bump looks when you're adopting. Laugh or be confused or think I'm ridiculous; I'm really not sure which to do either. :)
Hey girl I totally know how you feel. I finally posted my childs first blog post I have been wanting to write about for a while now. We adopted our frist child also so I know all the emotions that you are going through and felt very alone in the process because I didnt know anyone else to talk to about it especially with it being out first. Andrew updated me a lil bit about yalls sistuation. We were close friends in high school ANyway, seriously if you need to talk it out please email, text or whatever!!!!! You are NOT alone!
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