The Mom Club (and why I don't want to be part of it)

All my life, I've wanted to be a mom.

Since I was old enough to walk around with a stroller, I would load up my baby dolls and push them around to "school," "the grocery store," "church," or "Dr. Teng's office" (AKA various spots around our house).  I found so much joy in taking care of "my kids."

Today, as I load up my actual baby and take her to "school" (daycare), Sprouts, City Pres, and Dr. Fields' office, I find that same joy, but even a thousand times stronger.  I love being a momma.  What I don't love is "The Mom Club."

"The Mom Club" isn't an actual club, but as I explain it, I have no doubt that you'll know it exists.  In this "club," members leave behind all other roles that once mattered to focus on the only one that apparently does now: motherhood.  I don't undervalue that role in my life; however, I believe that my roles as a wife, teacher, and friend (among others) remain fundamentally important.  I don't want my whole being to revolve around my child.

The ways in which the motherhood role is exalted in "The Mom Club" are various.  One way is that moms always and only talk about or post pictures of their children on social media.  I do want to see people's children on my Newsfeed sometimes, and to hear about what they are doing.  But constant posts about one's kids can give the impression that life outside of parenthood is meaningless.

Another example of motherhood being elevated beyond what it should be is when "club members" begin to define grey matters as black and white.  "Oh, you are employed outside the home?  Oh dear.  Don't you care about your child?"  "You don't use cloth diapers?  Well, let me tell you about why they are the only way."  "BabyWise didn't work for your daughter?  You must not have followed such and such principle."  The thing about black-and-white-parenting is that every baby is different.  Grey matters really aren't worth discussing because they are matters of opinion, but "The Mom Club" seems to have endless reasons to offer "advice" (mandates) about them.  "Mom Club" members are not better or worse than other moms, because there are far more ways than one to successfully parent your children.  Your kids are yours, and only you know what's best for them.

The most defining characteristic of "The Mom Club" is that it is exclusive.  You'll immediately know that you're conversing with an affiliate if you feel left out and have nothing to add to the dialogue (monologue).  This is true regardless of whether or not you have children.  When people only talk about one thing, or a variety of things relating to the exact same topic (my child's poopiest diaper, my child's latest and great milestone, why I make certain decisions for my child, the number of green beans my child ate today, etc.), others not only feel bored, but unimportant.  I believe that there is immeasurable value in developing friendships with people in all stages of life.  That college student doesn't want to hear about your baby vomiting on your new shirt; she wants you to ask her how her boyfriend is doing.  Your elderly neighbor doesn't care that your son likes to kick his legs in the bathtub; she just needs a Scrabble partner.  Oh, and your married friend who has been trying to have children for years certainly can't handle listening to you jabber on about the one subject that causes her such pain.  Only spending time with people who are exactly like you is dangerous because it not only clouds your vision, but it creates a bubble that blocks out everyone else.  I don't want to be part of any group that ostracizes others.

All of that said, I do believe that there can actually be groups of moms which meet together yet aren't "Mom Clubs" (I went to one this week).  Groups which encourage one another and allow honesty are not only beneficial, but essential.  The problem enters when those groups lose sight of the viewpoint that they were created to have and focus on only one thing.

The other problem is that joining "The Mom Club" is not a definitive moment in which a mom pays her dues on a certain date and then is a member for an allotted amount of time.  Any mom can, unknowingly, become a member at any point in time.  I realize that I am just as much in danger of joining this club as anyone else.  I constantly must ask for perspective.

I'm watching my daughter sleep in her chair right now, and the feeling of contentment that she brings me is indescribable.  But she isn't my everything, and I pray (for her sake and my own) that my world never becomes so small that I forget who I am aside from being her mother.  Lord help us all.