The full-time situation came about very abruptly. To make a long story short, I interviewed for (what I thought was) a full-time special education position starting in August 2014. At the end of the interview, which lasted exactly twelve minutes, the assistant principal said that the school hadn't had anyone to fill the position all year and asked if I could start as soon as possible. Though I felt morally responsible to finish out the year at my current school teaching a.m. Pre-K, I agreed to work afternoons at my new school. I interviewed on a Wednesday and started the following Monday. Life is a whirlwind sometimes.
Everyone keeps asking me if my job is going well and if I like working full-time. It is, and I do. I feel like I am in the increasingly smaller percentage of people who can say with confidence that they love their job. There will always be things that are annoying about any line of work, but I find so much fulfillment in being able to help and learn from kids every day. I never before realized what people meant when they said, "I gave up my career to have kids." Now I do.
Piper has been a very easy-going baby, so I just assumed that she would adjust well to staying at daycare all day. Wrong. Though I realize that no one will care for her quite like I do, I love her teachers at daycare and know that she is in good hands when I leave her. The fact of the matter is that there are seven other babies in her class, she's been bitten twice in the last three weeks, and she sometimes sleeps a total of fifteen minutes...all day. Her daycare is highly reputable in Norman, and I wouldn't want to put her anywhere else. But I dread picking her up after work because I'm afraid of what her teachers will tell me about her day, and because it pains me to see her tired, red eyes when I know that she has no problem sleeping for 2-3 hours at a time at home.
Something's gotta give, and I'm a firm believer that family comes first. Unless, by some act of God, Piper starts thriving in daycare by the end of the year (which I suppose could happen), I won't be working full-time again next year. I'm surprised at how saddened I am by that possibility.
When I was little, I used to line up all of my dolls and play "school." Sure, there were times when I played "house" and "church," but from a very young age, I think I always knew that I was made to be a teacher. At times, I entertain other options in my mind, but at the end of the day, I can't imagine myself in another profession. To be honest, I don't find a lot of fulfillment in changing diapers, making bottles, and shaking a rattle in Piper's face- not because I don't love her or love being with her, but because my mind isn't stimulated in doing those things, and I often have a hard time seeing the greater purpose in the little details of motherhood.
The thing I am realizing more with each passing day is that having children means giving up. Giving up looks differently for different people. For me and for other moms and dads who make the choice to stay home or cut back on hours, it might look like forgoing a well-loved career for a time to ensure that our children are happy and well. For parents who do continue working full-time, giving up might look like forsaking some things that they'd like to do for themselves because there simply isn't time to fit everything in anymore, or giving up control because someone else is making many of the decisions about how to raise their children. For every parent, there is a loss of freedom, at least to a certain extent. Though we give those things up willingly because we love our children, it is still giving up, and there are times when living sacrificially is not always fun.
My daughter may never come to me and say, "Thanks, Mom, for giving up your career when I was little so that you could be with me." And I think it will be okay if she doesn't. I've had 25 years to make decisions that are best for myself. Although it is difficult, there is joy in making decisions that are best for someone else. Sometimes giving up means finding your life again.
Mary Rachel, you said you have a hard time seeing the greater purpose in the little details of motherhood. I don't know a mother who doesn't. It's less about what you're doing and more that it's you doing them. You're right, having children means dying to yourself even to do seemingly silly, little tasks. Have you read this quote on motherhood by G.K. Chesterton? http://hhbayly.wordpress.com/tag/g-k-chesterton/ (It happens to be from the blog of a friend, but I found it there more quickly and easily than anywhere as at this length.) It has been a big encouragement to me in my time as a mother to little ones. Also, he mentions your career specifically, but I hope you won't take offense. That's not the point nor my intention. It's obvious why you'd love your job and it's an important one. Best wishes to you and your family!
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