Why I decided to stay home

I felt completely crazy when I emailed my boss, the early childhood coordinator for our district, to tell her that I needed to talk with her about next school year.  I felt even crazier when I sat down in her office and turned down a job at a gorgeous school with friendly teachers and tons of parental involvement, a job that I'd competed against quite a few people to get and had accepted only two weeks earlier.  I already knew that I had made the right decision before I went into her office for many of the reasons I'll discuss below, but her reaction after I told her secured my thoughts even more.  She smiled, admitted that she had guessed how our conversation would go, and said (in addition to some other nice things), "Mary Rachel, this doesn't have to make sense to anyone else if it makes sense to you."

And it does make sense to me.

Teaching is hard work, but it is good work, to be sure.  Though it is often a thankless job, I always felt that I was doing something productive and valuable for society.  There were many small moments when I felt that I was doing my job well.  Staying home to raise children is inherently not that way for me.  I struggle to feel like doing laundry is as useful and productive as writing an engaging lesson plan, or that raising two children to be kind and generous is as valuable as teaching 15 children how to write their names and count to 30.  But, in the quiet moments, I know that it is.  God gave my girls to me, and I know that I have a unique opportunity and responsibility to mold their little minds and hearts like no one else can.

Another hesitation I had about staying home was how we are going to make our finances work and, to be honest, I still question how that is going to work out when I am not getting paid through the summer anymore.  However, I don't want to ever make a decision out of fear, and continuing to teach for the primary purpose of receiving a paycheck (however small) was a fear-based decision.  When I think back to starting the adoption process with Piper, I remember having no idea how we were going to come up with $15,000-$20,000 to bring our daughter home.  But, because my husband is braver than I am, we jumped in with both feet and watched God provide, beyond what we ever could have imagined, like He always does.  I am under no illusions that money will just start falling from the sky when the paychecks end in August.  I might have to find creative ways to work, and our date nights might be $4 cups of coffee at Starbucks instead of $50 nights out at our favorite restaurant.  I might have to go back to couponing (ugh), and marathon money will probably most often be spent on Mother's Day Out and gymnastics.  Priorities change, we will make sacrifices, and the Lord will provide.

Eventually, what my decision really came down to was this: My family was getting my leftovers and not my best.  Even on good days of work, I did not want anyone else saying my name another time or asking me to do something for them (or, heaven forbid, crying over nothing).  And then I would go home to my sweet girls with that same attitude.  Our time together had hardly started and I was already exhausted.  Our house was a hot mess because I simply could not keep up with everything, and having people over for anything was always a huge ordeal.  I always felt like I was dropping the ball on something, and the three people who love me the most experienced that the worst.  I can't do it all.  That has been a very humbling realization.  I do believe that there are people who are able to be wonderful mommas to littles and also work full-time, and I am not one of them.  I could do both of those things okay when Piper was my only child, but two kids is a game-changer.  What I've had to realize is that being a stay-at-home-mom is actually a full-time job.  Providing for all of the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of a child, not to mention taking care of household responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.) is more than enough to keep me busy if I'm really making an effort to do it well.

I don't agree that staying home is the hardest job there is, at least for me.  People really get defensive about that one.  I do think that it is challenging because there are many times when I am at a complete loss for how to handle my own children, and because I rarely get a break from them, and because I am always doing multiple things in the same moment.  (About needing a break, no matter how much you love your children and spending time with them, no one can spend every waking moment with her family and remain completely sane.  That isn't a reflection of how much you love or don't love your kids; it's a manifestation of being human.)  But, it is one full-time job, not two.

There were two distinct moments when I knew that I had to stay home this coming year.  One was over Spring Break, when I got to wake up and spend a whole day, every day, with my kids, and, to my surprise, I loved it.  The other was when Caroline woke up one morning with both of her eyes swollen shut, and I had to go to work because I had taken all of my sick days for maternity leave.  I bawled my eyes out the whole way to the school that morning, thinking about my little girl not even being able to look at me, and I couldn't be there to take care of her.  

I don't know how long I'll end up staying home.  We are planning to just take one year at a time, and I feel committed to really slowing down this year and just being with my family.  (I'm not very good at that.  I feel guilt over the dumbest of things, such as taking a 30-minute nap, because I'm so accustomed to running around like a chicken with its head cut off all the time.)  I have some ideas about what I might like to do in the future, but I'm in no hurry to decide.  This is the last year I'll have before Piper is in school for the next 13 years of her life, and I keep going back to what my mom always says, "The days are long, but the years are short."  I don't want to miss these years of them being small.  I know that it's time I'll never get back, and though I might miss leaving the house for a "normal" job at times, I am sure that I won't get to the end of my life and wish that I had spent more time working.

Also, you don't get to do stuff like this on a Monday when you're working.