The Hills We Die On

I'm hesitant to even publish this post.  I've been going through a "crisis of faith" over the past year or so, and I don't like for people to see my weakness.  But, everyone needs a space to just say what they think.  You might not understand or agree with everything I say, but this is my space to be honest.  I don't necessarily want advice.  In fact, perhaps some of the most hurtful things I have experienced over the past year have been receiving people's unwanted advice or flippant responses to some very difficult questions.  I know that I need to trust God, that "everything happens for a reason" and that "it will all be okay in the end."  I know.  Sometimes all I need is someone to listen without interjecting, "Oh, I know what that's like" or "I have experienced something similar when..."  Just listening and not immediately trying to "fix" me or my issues can be so powerful.

I'm writing for the above reasons, but mostly I am writing for this one.  Over the course of this recent struggle, I have felt either completely crazy or totally alone.  So I'm chronicling my journey primarily in the hopes that maybe someone reading this, someone who has felt completely crazy or totally alone, will take comfort in the fact that probably neither of those things are true.  For sure not the "alone" part.  So reader, if this is you, take heart.  

All of that said, here are just a few of my thoughts lately.    

Go on up to the mountain of mercy
To the crimson perpetual tide
        Kneel down on the shore
Be thirsty no more

Go under and be purified

Follow Christ to the holy mountain
Sinner sorry and wrecked by the fall
Cleanse your heart and your soul
In the fountain that flowed
For you and for me and for all...

The mountain of mercy.  The holy mountain.  Golgatha.  Calvary.  The hill where Jesus died.

Call it whatever you want, but I don't think that the hill Jesus died on and the hill(s) most Christians die on are the same one.  This issue has been one of the main things that has confused me and made me question who God is lately.  For my whole life, I have never really questioned what exactly I believe and why.  [No wonder people think Christians are idiots.  Exhibit A: Mary Rachel Fenrick.]  I have always had my lists of "Christian Do's and Don'ts" and have been ever so careful to stick to those.  Don't drink alcohol until you're 21.  Do volunteer for Such and Such Christian Activity.  Don't have sex oustide of marriage.  Do tithe 10% of your income.  Don't steal.  Do read your Bible every day.  There are some other, perhaps less obvious, but equally divisive issues.  Don't vote Democrat.  Do homeschool your children.  Moms, don't work outside the home.  Kids, listen to only Christian music.  Do go to a Baptist church because of ABC.  Don't go to a non-demoninational church because of XYZ.

For so long, I have tied myself to these issues, thinking that they are what saves me.  The conclusion I have come to recently is this:  Perhaps those issues are important (some of them definitely are).  Maybe you should have an opinion about them.  The problem becomes when you, like I have done, stake your life on those things or, "choose those hills to die on".  Because then, the Christian life becomes about the Christian and his viewpoint instead of the Christ. 

To be honest, I'm still confused about what a Christian should look like.  But I don't really think it looks like someone who wraps her life around anything except the Ultimate thing, tries to be her own savior, or convinces others that their only hope is to believe the exact same way she does about some above-mentioned, non-essential things (aka, "old Mary Rachel").  I do know that a Christian is supposed to look like Christ, who actually only died on one hill, the one mentioned in the song.  He died on the hill to save all types of people from all types of sins.  That's it.  He didn't die on the Republican hill or the anti-abortion hill, however important those hills may be.  Just the one.       

Christian, would you, with me, try to get the most important thing right first?  I'm not good at this.  I'm often a Pharisee.  But I think that the only way to true freedom for you, for me, and for everyone is to stop carrying our crosses up the hills that we have created and start following Christ to the one hill.

Non-Christian, would you be willing to forgive us?  You're absolutely right about the Christians not being much like the Christ.  I think that one of the reasons I have been so confused about Christianity lately is because I have been looking to Christians to define it for me instead of to Christ.  I want my questions answered and my doubts assuaged.  But I don't think people can do that for me.  So would you, with me, attempt to look at who Jesus really is instead of at Christians, who (myself included) are such inaccurate representations?