One year.

It's hard to believe, but this sweet angel is one today.

I don't consider myself a very emotional person.  My voices of excitement, of sadness, and of anger all basically sound about the same: monotone.  But today, I've got all sorts of emotions swirling around as I reflect on the last year, which has by far been the fastest of my life.

I'm thinking back to where I was at exactly this time on June 28, 2013.  Standing on the frozen foods aisle of Target, I was trying to hurry because I was miserably sick with a bladder infection and needed to go to urgent care before Andrew and I went out to Lawton for a sprint car race that night.  (Yeah, you probably don't care about that, but you're reading my blog, which means I don't have much of a private life anymore anyway.)  That's when the phone rang, and I suddenly forgot about my discomfort, the rest of the groceries, and my evening plans.  My daughter was being born.  (You can read more about her birth story here.)

Everything about that day and the next stands out so vividly in my mind, perhaps even more vividly than if I had actually given birth to her.  85 mph.  Anna.  Caleb.  Hand holding.  Epidural.  Pushing.  Screaming.  Tears.  Jet black hair.  "It's a girl!"  More tears.  7:00 p.m.  Qdoba.  Conversations.  Holding her.  Pictures.  Visitors.  Praying.  Checkups.  Firsts.  More visitors.  Goodbye Anna and Caleb.  Sobbing.  Pain.  Joy.  Love.  Overwhelming amounts of love.

The first night at home was awful.  She slept for no more than 20 minutes at a time throughout the entire night.  At one point, Andrew took a turn to get up with her.  15 minutes later, she was screaming again, so I went into her room to find her... on top of the changing table because, according to Andrew, "It looked more comfortable than her crib."  After a lecture from me about how "one of the first rules of parenting is to never leave your child unattended like that!", we both dissolved into fits of laughter because we were so deliriously tired.  Interestingly, the sleepless nights really never bothered me, and I love to sleep.  I had promised myself that I would do my best to never complain about the demands of having a baby because we had waited so long to get one.  I also think a mom's body instinctively knows that those sleepless nights are a passing phase, so it naturally produces the adrenaline needed to keep going (and is aided by lots and lots of coffee).  During middle-of-the-night feedings, I used to whisper in her ear, "Stay tiny forever."  She didn't listen.

One of the great dilemmas of being a parent is wanting your child to grow, be healthy, and experience new things, all while also wanting her to stay in the exact stage that she currently is in so that you can soak up every moment.  As each milestone has passed, I have found myself feeling that dilemma and trying to savor even the difficult moments of "the little years".  Everyone told me, "It will all go by so fast!" but I never really believed them until it started happening.

The past year has taught me so much.  For one thing, I've learned a lot about responding to people's unwanted advice and rude questions.  (To be clear, some advice is wanted, and not all questions are rude.)  Yes, Piper is adopted.  Yes, it's an open adoption.  Yes, we love her birth parents.  No, she doesn't look like me.  Yes, she's really mine.  No, she doesn't have brothers or sisters.  Yes, adoption is hard.  Yes, it's worth it.  Yes, it's expensive.  Actually, we have tried such and such, and it didn't work.  I genuinely believe that most people ask questions with great intentions, so it's hard for me to hold that against them.  But when it's the random person at the grocery store or the coworker that I've literally spoken to once, I have a hard time not getting defensive.  Yeah, kindness is hard for me sometimes.

I've also learned a lesson or two about patience.  I always thought I was a fairly patient person because I taught special education.  Ha!  The entire adoption process showed me that I am, in fact, extremely impatient, selfish, and easily annoyed.  Every day since Piper has been home has been a further reminder of how much of those very characteristics I unfortunately possess.  Being a mom is hard.  People don't talk about that nearly enough.  Motherhood is truly wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for the world, but the fact is that we are all only humans, and the screaming, incessant crying, messes, missed naps, and other challenges that come with babies will plain wear you thin at times.  However, I would like to believe that every day that she teaches me one of those lessons is a day that I'm turning more into the kind of woman I want to be.

Finally, I never knew that my heart had the capacity to love this much.  This has probably been the greatest thing that I've learned this year.  I didn't think I could love Piper's birth parents, but I still think about them and want the best for them every day.  Mostly, though, I never imagined that such a tiny baby could make my heart grow so big.  Even after a hard day, I'm always ready to see my little girl again the next morning.  Sometimes the noises she makes are so precious and her doll face looks so beautiful that I think I couldn't possibly love her any more than I do in that very moment...and then I do.

Yesterday, I was laying in the grass with her in our backyard when she looked over to give me the biggest grin, for no reason.  My only thought in that moment was, "This is the perfect life."  Truthfully, no one's life is perfect, but this is exactly the one that I want, and Piper is exactly the daughter that was made for me.  Happy first birthday, sweet girl.  The best is yet to come.