Finding Freedom: Why and How We Celebrate "Gotcha Day"

(Side note: Wow, it has been two months since my last post. This is not for lack of inspiration, but really, I don’t know how people with multiple children and full-time jobs manage to do anything but work, take care of their families, and possibly squeeze in a trip to the gym. Hence the absence of blogging for several weeks. I know you’ve been missing me.)

Just like all other issues surrounding adoption, everyone seems to have an opinion about “Gotcha Day.” Y’all, I tell you, the opinions WEAR. ME. OUT. “Here’s why you shouldn’t adopt a baby of another race.” “Let me give you this book of a million reasons why open adoptions are the answer to everyone’s problems everywhere.” “This is exactly how you should tell your child about his adoption, or why you should never tell him about it at all.” The stuff people say can be quite appalling, even when well-intended, and I know that the last thing anyone needs is yet another post aimed at lambasting people whose opinions differ from theirs. When raising a family, there are rarely ever black-and-white answers that apply to all people. All of that said, my husband and I have put a lot of thought into why we want to celebrate “Gotcha Day” with our daughter, and this post isn’t meant to be critical but helpful. There are legitimate reasons for deciding either way. Your family, your choice.

A little background information on “Gotcha Day” and our family’s history:

“Gotcha Day” is traditionally a day set aside for adoptive families to celebrate the time when an adopted child officially became a member of their family. It is most commonly celebrated with international adoptions and adoptions from foster care, since the child is typically older in those cases and most likely did not live with the adoptive family from birth. “Gotcha Day” can, however, be celebrated by anyone (like us) who has adopted a child.

After years of infertility, my husband and I adopted a newborn through an agency in Oklahoma City and were able to be present for our daughter’s delivery. She came home with us from the hospital, but she was technically under custody of the adoption agency for six months, at which time we appeared before a judge to finalize the adoption. This is the day that we now celebrate as “Gotcha Day” because it is when she took our last name and was declared to be in our custody. Piper’s birthday is in June, but we celebrate her “Gotcha Day” on December 30. We also have a biological child, Caroline, who was born earlier this year. Now that you know all of that…

1. Yes, we call it “Gotcha Day”. Some families find this term offensive (I suppose because it can sound as though one acquired a child in the same way that a car or a house would be obtained) and elect to name the day something else, such as “Family Day”, “Forever Family Day”, or “Adoption Day”. We like “Gotcha Day” because it is the day that we officially “got” custody of our daughter. Though Caroline wasn’t born yet, she “got” a sister that day. “Adoption Day” is also fine, but we weren’t fans of “Family Day” or “Forever Family Day” because Piper’s birth mother is also her family, and we felt like those names minimized her role in Piper’s life. In my opinion, whatever you call the day is just semantics. Words mean different things to different people.

2. We don’t do big gifts. We have a special dinner at Zio’s (where we went after her finalization) with a dessert of her choosing. We look at pictures of her birth and finalization day and retell her the whole story of her adoption, as she has heard many times before. Birthdays are reserved for big gifts.

3. Caroline won’t have a “Gotcha Day”, but we still plan to celebrate Piper’s. Some people say that this is unfair to the biological child, but just because something isn’t “fair” (meaning that both people have it) doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth a celebration. My brother isn’t married, but we celebrated my wedding. I’m not a National Merit Scholar, but we celebrated his accomplishment. We both graduated high school and college, and everybody celebrated. Big life events deserve a party.

4. We use “Gotcha Day” as a day to celebrate our daughter’s birth mother. Though Piper is very important to our family, Anna is, too. “Gotcha Day” is about more than just Piper, and we always want her to know that. There is a bigger story behind “Gotcha Day” than taking an oath before a judge and signing some papers; there is the story of a brave 17-year-old whose life is forever valuable to us. As my mom says, “A person can never have too much love.” Piper gets to have our love and her birth mother’s. That’s worth celebrating.

5. We need to be reminded of God’s goodness. I am forgetful. I have the best life, full of countless blessings, and I daily forget what He has done for me. There are times when I sit back and ponder the wonder of adoption, but I need a tangible reminder of it sometimes, too. “Gotcha Day” is a day specifically set aside so that I can remember.

6. We want our girls to know how special they are to us. “Well, shouldn’t they know that every day of the year?” you say. Yes, they should. But, see #5. I am forgetful. Furthermore, there are days when I’m tired, busy, lazy, and (embarrassingly) not intentional. “Gotcha Day” is an opportunity to seize by reminding Piper that she is special and that we are thrilled to have her as a part of our family. It’s something tangible for my distracted soul, sort of like Christmas. I should celebrate the birth of Christ every day of the year, but I am forgetful, tired, busy, lazy, and not intentional, and I need to set aside purposeful time to make much of my Savior.

7. Like all other aspects of adoption and many other aspects of life, “Gotcha Day” is simultaneously full of joy and loss. Just because something isn’t purely joy doesn’t mean that we must remember only the loss. Though I don’t fully understand the hurt, I realize that Anna went through horrible pain and loss so that we could have Piper. We went through years of sadness and loss in dealing with infertility, too. The day after Piper was born was the most wonderful and terrible day at the same time. My heart hurt for Anna and her boyfriend, yet I was so thankful for their gift that came home in our arms. Celebrating “Gotcha Day” doesn’t minimize the pain. It helps us recount the whole story of how God started building our family- joy, loss, and all. It’s the same reason that we celebrate September 12^th in our family- the day that our marriage was shattered and also it was saved. It’s also the reason why we celebrate baptisms. Our adoption into God’s family came at a great price to Himself. Loss and joy. Celebrating the whole story.

8. “Gotcha Day” didn’t rid Piper of her identity. She will always be spunky, stubborn, Mexican, hilarious, and beautiful. She got a new last name, but it didn’t change who she was. I changed my last name when I got married, but I was still the same person. I, like Piper, gained a new name and another family to add to the one I already had.

9. Celebrating “Gotcha Day” will be Piper’s choice as she gets older. There may come a day when it is too painful for Piper to think about her adoption. I pray she doesn’t, but she may be tempted with thoughts that Anna didn’t love or want her and had to “get rid of” her (quite the opposite is true!). If that year ever comes, I’m willing to let Piper skip the celebration, and to hopefully open up a conversation with her about her adoption.

10. Sometimes we’ll hit a home run, and sometimes we’ll strike out, and either way, the sun will rise tomorrow. We don’t claim to parent the “right way” (as if there was one), and we may be failing miserably in the “Gotcha Day” celebrations, as well. But we’ll all live to tell about it. Anyway, it’s one day. We have 364 more, just this year(!), to get something right.

We’re all on the same team. There is not a wide network of families who have adopted. We need each other. Let’s get our panties out of a wad and be kind to others whose opinions may differ from our own. No adoption story is exactly the same, so our celebrations (or lack thereof) don’t have to be, either.

Happy Gotcha Day, Piper Anna!

“Born not from our flesh but born in our hearts, you were wanted and longed for and loved from the start.”