A Miracle

Disclaimer:  I'm still a little groggy from surgery, so I'm hoping this blog won't sound totally crazy.  Andrew jokingly told me that I should have blogged yesterday, when I was still under the influence of all kinds of pain meds and anesthesia.  I have no idea what might have come out of my mouth then (and still really don't know what might come out today).

***
Saturday, 11/26/11.
(a prayer from my journal)

"Take the dearest things to me if that's how it must be,
To draw me closer to Thee
Let the disappointments come, lonely days without the sun
If through sorrow, more like You I'll become."

*** 

There have been so many days in the past year when I wish that I never would have prayed that prayer.  Little did I know that almost everything in which I placed my trust would be ripped out of my hands.  And when that happened, I stopped praying altogether.

Lately, I've started praying again.  Simple, childlike prayers.  (God, I need help.)  Honest prayers.  (Lord, I have no idea where you are or if you care.)  Sometimes angry prayers.  (Why does it have to be THIS hard?!)  Desperate prayers.  (I just want all of this to go away.)  Not always the prayers you're "supposed" to pray (like, "I am so thankful for this big mess because I know it's all for my good!").  I pray the things that come from my heart, like David did in the Psalms, and I am becoming more and more convinced that He hears.

What happened yesterday in the operating room is nothing short of a miracle, and honestly the last thing I was expecting.  Andrew came in afterward and said, "Babe, great news!  You're fine!  The problem is gone."  Just like that.  Big tears rolled down my cheeks, and for the first time in a long time, they were tears of relief and joy.  I don't know if this automatically means that I will be able to get/stay pregnant now, but it is certainly the best news we've gotten since this whole process began almost two years ago.           

The pieces of the puzzle are slowly starting to fit together for me.  Six months ago, no one could have convinced me that they would.  People's words are meaningless unless, in your own heart of hearts, you actually believe them.  I'm scared that maybe things still won't work out the way I had planned, but perhaps what I plan and what I actually need are not always the same thing.

In November last year, I prayed for God to increase my faith.  In his own way and time, he has.  I'm not the same person I was, and that's actually a good thing.  I don't like being stuck in a pit or being dragged through the mud, and maybe I have more pits ahead.  But somehow, and I can't even explain how I know this to be true, He is there.  Thanks to those of you who have prayed with and for me when I haven't had the words.  He truly does answer the cries of our hearts.